At least you've probably never failed as hard as this
(via reddit)
A few days ago, I posted a couple of tweets about how the security industry has turned me into an angry, frustrated, and generally unpleasant person. At first, I instantly agreed with the responses that claimed that if you're working in security and not pissed off on a regular basis, you're doing it wrong.
However, this post made me do a little soul searching deep thinking about a couple of things.
Let's just think about something here: Don't you see something wrong with telling people (or even each other) that being angry and frustrated all the time is a GOOD THING because it means you give a shit about security? Isn't it sad that some of us have this idea that all-consuming RAGE over something that is after all, a job, is seen as a measure of success? I try to tune out the constant ass-licking I so often see in the industry over OMG LOOK HE DISCOVERED THIS KEWL 0DAY THAT LEADS TO THIS VERY BAD THING HAPPENING UNDER THIS ALMOST IMPLAUSIBLE SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES OH FUCKING GAWD HE IS A 1337 HACKER OMG BLACKHAT PRESO FAP FAP FAP and focus on actually doing my fucking job and making shit more fucking secure, but I don't think my constant RAGE at idiocy is actually helping me do my job any better. True, it makes me more productive and sometimes rage helps me see through the bull-fucking-shit that I have to deal with daily (aka nontechnical shit like incompetence and human fucking drama), but it is no longer fucking worth it for me to work myself into such concern over the state of things that it will probably affect my fucking health somewhere down the line.
My problem is that despite the fact that I don't see security as some kind of holy crusade, I do care way too much. I care about a lot of things in the industry (technical or irritating otherwise) that aren't directly work-related, but they affect me in such a fucking way that I can't simply turn off my abusive relationship love of security when I'm not in SRSWORKMODE. I just fucking can't - and that inability may very well mean that I'm not cut out for this industry...but for the first time in a while, I'm convinced that there is nothing wrong with that.
No, I'm not fucking leaving or quitting or being a pussy (you can't get rid of RAGEphelia that easily, you know, security fucking industry?), but if I have to for my own sake somewhere down the line, I know that I have done enough thinking to realize that it is not some huge personal failure on my part. It could even be the opposite...walking away from a pile of dung is generally seen as a good thing, isn't it? :)
Oh, and there's something else about me, that at this point, I don't even know if it is a good or a bad thing: I don't fucking care about shit like "forming a happy hugfest community around this HACKER word" or building "hackerspaces" or giving a shit about how the supposedly oh-so-important media sees us. I am the last person to claim to be a SUPER FUCKING 1337 HAXOR like Greggy Evans, but from the humble perspective of someone whose skills were mostly self-taught and who sacrificed years and years of social interaction and development to learn things that I passionately care about...fuck people like you who so conveniently act like an elitist holier-than-thou scumbag while accusing everyone else of being the very elitists you claim to hate.
Fuck your wankering about acceptance and being welcoming and your high and mighty proclamations that you, with your pride in your lack of any meaningful skills, deserve to pontificate about the meanings of words or accuse other people of being assholes just because, GUESS WHAT, we actually spent a good chunk of our lives learning about computer fucking security (I'm not even going to bother calling it "hacking" at this point, fuck that word, those aren't even the same things, oh and also FUCK THAT WORD), and we may not be so keen on having our passions being derided as "elitism." Fuck you, pretentious hugfest wanker. Oh, and learn to fucking code.
Moving on to the next gripe I have: I know that I should give a shit about things like talking to people outside our own little circlejerk and actively engage with management and talk to the buzzword-loving suits and "evangelize" security and all that, but AAAARH MY HEAD IS EXPLODING! I am not a people person, never claimed to be, and shit like RISK AND COMPLIANCE MANAGEMENT IN THE CLOUD confuses and scares me...before they make me tremble with fucking RAGE at the way this industry is heading. Yet at the same time, I know that people like me are part of the fucking problem and not the solution, because someone like me is really only fucking comfortable in front of a fucking computer and not having to deal with fucking retarded shit, but since the world doesn't operate in a vacuum and I am mature enough to accept that security is a business after all...maybe I'm in the wrong fucking industry.
I don't even care about the ethical debates surrounding "hacking" any more. I write one fucking post about how the whole "ethical hacking doucheissp pussification of our industry" is fucking retarded, and I get assclowns asking me stupid shit like "So you support criminals?" thinking that it makes them the brightest bulb in the fucking room...no, it just makes you sound like a fucking retard. (No offense to actual retards, just holier-than-thou doucheissps people who willingly act that way.)
Oh, and while we are on the subject of crime and criminals, I also tweeted about being asked directly to my face if I'd ever considered crime (while I was relaying a couple of things I'm mentioning in this post) and me instantly answering "Yes."
As to why I'm suddenly thinking about that brief conversation...I think I know exactly why I answered in the affirmative without hesitation.
Yes, I've considered quitting the security industry, but I know that security/hacking/whateveryouwanttocallit will always be what I want to do for a living...and yes, if turning to "criminal hacking" means I can do what I love, make way more money, and not have to deal with all the RAGE and frustration etc., what is really stopping me? I had to face the uncomfortable truth that unlike a majority of people in the security industry who pontificate about "ethics" and how they care about "protecting their organization's infrastructure" or "deploying security solution X" as a reason for being on the (for lack of a better term) right side of the law; the only thing that stops me from turning to fucking "criminal hacking" (really, doucheissp, even if I did, I'm not going to be a fucking dumbass Bradley Manning about it) is that I don't want to end up in fucking jail without a fucking computer and ruin my prospects at having a normal life and actual employment. Nothing to me is worth ruining my life in that way over.
Looking yourself in the mirror and coming to terms with that reality, with the realization that the thing that keeps you on the right side of the law is actual fear of punishment, and having a brain that reminds you that no matter how good you are (or think you are), if LE wants to find you, they have the time and resources to do so...and knowing that real life criminal activity is nothing like some suit somewhere describes it...is fucking sobering. It is pretty fucking chilling.
Yes, I've considered crime. I consider it every fucking day. Thinking is different from doing, however...and I guess for all my stupid whining about how legality doesn't automatically translate to ethics...it isn't my sense of right and wrong that's preventing me from becoming one of those people that we in the security industry try to defend against. It is merely cold and hard facts, and fear of the fucking law.
Sometimes I don't know what I'm even doing in the computer security industry, but on other days, I love it to death...and I guess that's alright.
